This is Me.

Nov. 6th, 2015 08:14 pm
fireaheart: (Default)
There's a lot about ME, especially right now.
I'm 29. I had a stroke in February of last year (2014). I also spent most of that year homeless.
I've built myself up since then, struggling with my sexuality and my gender. My views of the world. My understanding of it and my place in it.
(Hey, strokes can do that.)

I started a job in April, that I then had to leave 6 months later due to health issues. Four organs (liver, kidneys, and renal failure) had started to shut down at once, and no one knew why. So, lots of tests later, still found out nothing. My oxygen levels were low, so they put me on a breathing machine, and treatments once a week for a month. My vitals improved slowly over time and I am back on top! I still have strokes, and due to one of my last ones, I now have a seizure disorder. When I get too stressed, my body can't cope, and I have a stroke, or seizure, or both. It's a fact of life for me, on top of other health issues, and there's not a lot I can do for it. Stress is my trigger for both things, so I can't really take medication (and won't, because the side effects are too risky). This, however, disqualifies me from traditional hormone treatments for my gender issues.

I'm transgender. I'm.. okay with my female parts, though, do want to change SOME of them.
I also feel like I should have masculine parts. Not a shemale (please, don't call me that term, I will lose my shit and not feel the least bit sorry about it) but I do feel like some parts of me are just not as they should be. The more I try to force myself into a binary gender, the more dysphoric I become about myself. The more I feel uncomfortable, and the more I feel unsafe in my own skin. So, I'm fine with a nonbinary gender. I am Genderfluid. This means my gender flows fluidly from one to another, and sometimes a mix in between. I possess psychological and emotional traits of both.

I am also active in the BDSM and kink communities. No, this does not mean I am a prostitute, that I beg for sex, that I beg for people to whip me and hurt me, or that I prefer a man to control me, mostly because I cannot or will not control myself. No, I have not read 50 Shades of Grey, and refuse to, because it is just Twilight Fanfic with a BDSM twist (by the author's own admittance). She has not researched any roles, proper terms, and at the end of the third book, the main character is "cured" of BDSM, like it was an illness. The man takes a VIRGIN and teaches her that BDSM is the sexual norm, and indoctrinates in her that she must serve him without consent. He also violates safe words and consent on multiple occasions. HELLO PEOPLE THAT ISN'T ROMANCE THAT'S RAPE, KTHNX.

That isn't real BDSM. Period. Ever. I have been Dominant, and I have been submissive. In 2012, my Master died in a car accident. While I love Him dearly and always will, I am a different person now. I have different needs and different expressions. I am willingly submissive (and bratty) to another man, and being served by a transgender woman. I am also part of a poly group with several other men across the world, and yes, it is online. We are comfortable with that and we are the only ones that have to be, so it has shit to do with your comfort level. If you have an issue with that -- you don't have the right to, so piss off.

My life is in a state of upheaval right now, and I'm glad of it. I am glad for the opportunity for drastic change, to grow and experiment with myself as a person. It will terrify the fuck out of me at times, but that's just part of living life.

I am moving to Dallas in... 10 days.
I am starting a new job in a new field, which is essentially WALKING activism for the environment. I'm so excited to finally make a difference for the world around me!
I'm also working for Translife magazine, as well as working for Transgender Coalition LLC.
I may be doing modeling once I'm there, and will be branching out into public speaking.

Yeah, it's busy, and it's awesome and I will LOVE every minute of it.. in my like two spare seconds.

I am branching out after a toxic relationship, leaving behind my husband and son when I move to Dallas. Don't worry -- I'm handling shit here before I leave so everyone is taken care of!

This year has been a rough one, and I admit that I have experimented with cutting and alcohol as a form of stress release. This has been borderline abusive for me, and I know it's a problem I need to work one. This is one of the reasons I'm leaving, because I recognize my environment is toxic, and the more toxic it is for me, the more it is for everyone, including my son. I got my first tattoo, a semicolon (which I intend to add more to) on 10/25/15.

I love to cook! I'm experimenting with baking and creating new recipes. I'm also writing a cookbook.

I am Pagan. I celebrate the Light AND the Dark. They're both a part of me, and both present in this world, so they must both be honored. I am NOT Wiccan. If you tell me Blessed Be, I won't return it. I am not Wiccan, so this is not my greeting. I may respond with "Well Met", or something similar, because those are the terms I use to honor those within the Pagan faith. I currently follow no Goddesses, but do take to the wisdom of some fictional deities, such as lady Star-eyed from the Mage Wars series.

I'm also getting into gardening, and would love to have a garden when I get to Texas. It's a lot of hard work and love, but I love doing it. I'm still REALLY proud of my progress when I grow things, so there will be pictures. Just expect it.

I love cats.
I'm an Aries.
I'm 29 and will be 30 in March, but consider October the day I fully presented to the world as the larger portion of my true self.

I'm still discovering things. But, that's all about life and what life is.
So, this is my place in it and my story.


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